Lonely? (2/13/2024)

When the proverbial POOP hit the fan, someone said to me, "you have some very lonely and dark times ahead of you Shauna." Those words permeated in my brain and every now and then I would really think about them - Which I am sure would please him to know. That was his goal after all. A month later I was sleeping at my mother's, and I had a dream - no vision but I could hear a strong voice that said, "you're finally going to truly know what it's like to be close to God." I shot up out of my sleep and sat on those words. I'd be lying if I said I haven't experienced loneliness. I am the type of gal that has always been in a relationship (I have worked on that unhealthy issue in therapy :) With the exception of a very short time dating a guy, long distance, I have remained single since I left my ex-husband in August of 2020. I felt God put the word 'Solitude' on my heart. I wasn't single - I was in Solitude. It was the hardest during the holidays - (those dang Hallmark Christmas movies!) but ultimately, I had my kiddos, mother, friends, and my church family AND I loved the work I did. Most importantly I began to spend time with God - quality time with God. Maybe God was preparing me for prison in the way that I didn't need to involve myself in a romantic relationship just to be shipped away to prison 813 miles away. Maybe being single is making my time easier???? Although - I have to admit, all of the Valentines Day cards other ladies are getting adds a little "Woes me" to my thoughts but I quickly recover with things like sending Valentines Day cards to my kiddos and just being happy the other ladies are getting some love in the mail. My kiddos are my heart - I hope they get to see their cards I sent them. 

Am I lonely in prison? Hell. Yes. I miss my kids - they are my heart walking around outside my body - 813 miles away, walking outside my body. I miss my mom and pray her health stays strong, I miss my best friend and talking multiple times a day for no reason. I dream about re-uniting with my church family and seeing my dogs. I daydream about my kiddo's faces and their little voices when we see each other again - it all brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. However, loneliness doesn't have to co-sign 'darkness'. Loneliness is in fact the perfect time to focus on the light. The light being Jesus Christ. Lonley? What a time to have an intimate conversation with Jesus. He waited until it was just him and the anonymous woman in the road when he had a close and important conversation with her. It was only he and the woman at the well when they had a close and important conversation. In my loneliness I am trying to make it a habit to lean into the Lord and get close, personal, honest, and have those important conversations. 

Aside from that - there are some AMAZING and INCREDIBLE women surrounding me. IF I am having a hard day they pray for me, with me, cry with me, laugh with me and actually let me know I'm not alone at all. I guess we are lonely TOGETHER. Isn't that an oxymoron or something? :) So yeah - I have experienced loneliness. I guess he was right about that AND loneliness can produce productivity (insert silly emoji) ---- But DARKNESS????? Nah. No way. not with my face turned towards Jesus Christ. I only see hope, love, and LIGHT.