How Do I Trust After All That Has Happened? (3/18/2024)

"You're too trusting Shauna", "You were probably green, and they knew it", "Don't trust others so easily" These are words I have been told frequently. Due to the experiences, I share with others, they like to jump to give me advice about not trusting so easily. However, my trust is not the real issue. I have been betrayed by the people closest to me such as my father, spouse, friends, co-workers, and SEVERAL others. Life has shown me that people, including myself, are capable of doing bad things - sometimes the bad things fall within their character - other times their behavior is an anomaly. Therefore, I essentially have very little trust in humans. Furthermore, I was not able to trust the very agencies, systems or institutions meant to help me (and they are all ran by humans). My trust is in God. Period. I actually move knowing the possibility of betrayal still exists - that doesn't make the sting or hurt less. God has stitched me with a gift to be a coffee bean :) In other words he has given me the ability to avoid bitterness and resentment. There is a great analogy/story I love and used to tell the inmates when I taught them. It is a story about a carrot, an egg, and a coffee bean. You can take all three and put them in the same "Adversity"- All three of them face the same adversity - in this case boiling water. A carrot goes in strong and sturdy and come out soft, weak and falling apart. An egg which starts out delicate goes in and comes out hardened on the inside. A coffee bean goes in and comes out delicious coffee that serves a purpose from its adversity. 

Life is a roller coaster and I have put myself out there and out of my comfort zone. Living - and I mean REALLY living comes with risks. Risks of rejection, failure, heartbreak, disappointment, betrayal and lots more. To be real, if you have not been betrayed you likely just don't know about it. Jesus preached to others that this life would have difficulties. The hard stuff like the afore mentioned- ADVERSITY- is part of life! It is inevitable. 

We have a choice. We can allow the adversity (in my case: abuse, heartbreak, betrayal, prison to name a few) we can allow the hardship that is undoubtedly inevitable turn us into the carrot where we have no spine, strength and adopt learned helplessness, an egg where we have resentment - that frozen anger, and bitterness and we are hardened on the inside, or we can be the COFFEE BEAN and turn something positive (and allow God to work in our lives as he works all things together for good!) from our bad experiences. I for one am choosing to be the coffee bean and I am THANKFUL for the ability to remain moving in a way I can love people and have hope for change, reformation, and restoration of people and systems, don't get me wrong - it SUCKS at times. My friends will tell you "Shauna LOVES love!" I have not had the best luck at giving my heart to men romantically, but I still hang on to hope! No bitterness here! AND because I haven't chosen to be the carrot or the egg, I have continued to make friends and meet so many amazing people - even in prison! Rather - I should say, ESPECIALLY in prison! MANY women here are coffee beans, and they don't even know it....

..... Speaking of coffee - I am thankful for the instant coffee I can buy on commissary, but....I can-not-WAIT for real coffee!!! Who is ready for a coffee date when I'm out?!?!? Hahahaha. In all seriousness - our attitude is a choice....I'm not going to stop being who God made me to be because I took risks, and they didn't work out. I am learning from them, and I am allowing God to help me grow and become stronger with love still in my heart. I ask God to show my daily how to use this situation for the greater good. 

Thank you thank you, THANK YOU for your support!!! xoxoxo until next time!