But, God. (05/24/2024)

Sitting outside I look around. I'm surrounded by people just trying to do their time. Everyone does their time a little different from one another. Some sit babysat by a T.V. all day long, some work for 12 cents an hour at a physically taxing, hard labored job, some bid off one another being entertained by the gossip of one another, some are productive and take every class, every program, or every apprenticeship offered. No matter how I have tried to navigate and emotionally manage my time, I know it would be easier to do my time if I could regularly communicate with my children.

As I said in my documentary, some may question me as a mother in how I got to this spot. "How could she be so stupid to risk her freedom and be away from her children?!" to be fair i never saw prison time as a real possibility. But I do think it is a fair question from the outsiders of my life. The reality is, I wasn't free. But to be clear - I would rather spend a year in prison, divorced, with my soul free than spend a DAY with my soul chained down in my previous marriage. However, I have been alienated from my children since January 23rd, 2024 - the night before I surrendered. I had no warning, no threat on the night before that January 23rd would be the last phone call answered. I call daily - often multiple times a day with no success to communicate. My mother thankfully has been persistent and he has allowed her to see them once a month - during that time I am able to communicate and hear their sweet little voices. 

As a mother unable to talk to my children....well, it's near impossible to describe the grief that accompanies me daily. It is only through the Grace of God that I am offered peace beyond my own understanding. My children are my whole heart walking around outside of my body. I daydream about them, I wonder what they're doing, what they are learning in school... I close my eyes and imagine them coming home after school. Are they playing? are they drawing? Are they laughing? are they happy? are they squabbling with one another :) ) Do they ever say out loud or think to themselves our daily mantra before school started, "today is a good day for a GOOD DAY!". One thing that brings me comfort is that they are God's children before they are mine. I know he has them in the palm of his hand.I have a picture of them sleeping, cuddled up to one another laying in my bed. I stare at it a lot...I close my eyes and remember...I would crawl in next to them and watch them sleep. I would pray over them, watch them, kiss their heads, inhale the smell of their hair and their stinky little toddler breath. I knew my heart would long for these moment while I was to be away from them...and my heart aches for those moments, those smells, and those cuddles.

I've only ever wanted to be a mother. Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as their mother. Other times I am good at radical acceptance of how we got here. Most time, I have comfort knowing that God is working all things together for good - Romans 8:28. It isn't an accident that I'm their mother. While I'm here I am working to become the best version of myself so I can be the mother they need, want, and are one day proud of. 

Not being able to talk to them and hear their voices is beyond torture and a very personal hell. I lay in bed at night and stare at the moon. I told my babies, "Look for the moon. Know that no matter where we are - no matter how far from one another, we can see the same moon. look for me there, and I'll look for you too." and I always, ALWAYS do.

To my babies: I cried with joy the moment I knew you existed. I felt you grow and flutter about inside of my womb as you grew. My eyes were the first eyes yours met in this world. There is no person, no season, nor distance that can separate our love. 

Some seasons are hard. But, God.